The sun is still shining.

So Ive been sober and "happy" for over a year.  Im still married to her and she's forgiven me.  Im still dealing with the same hopelessness that pervades just about everyone these days, but now I dont have the alcohol to make it disappear.  Atleast Im healthy, "happy", sober and going to live for another 50 years.  That's something, right?  Isnt it?

The sun rose this morning

As mentioned in my previous post these last few days have been a roller coaster ride from hell.  Ive spent most of the time feeling as though Ive destroyed my marriage, nevermind dealing with the fact that Im actually never going to drink alcohol again.  Fortunately for me I havent lost my marriage, and my wife has even started to become sympathetic and is willing to help me work through this difficult time.  She know's what she's signed up for, and God knows Ive given her enough opportunity to eject. For her willingness to stick it out, I am eternally grateful.

Coming to terms with something as far-reaching as being an alcoholic is difficult in a society where drinking is almost the national past-time.  Where do people go to socialize?  The pub.  Being a stranger in a strange land Ive found it difficult to expand my social circle, and drinking allowed me to do this. Of course it was a less than fulfilling existence and the people I surrounded myself would be the equivalent of fair-weather friends, so its not only arguable but totally logical to see this is no great loss.  With all of that said, where to from here?

I know a grand total of one person who tee-totals.  He does it not out of any medical reasons (physical/psychological), but purely because he doesnt see the need to buzz himself.  He has no desire to and never has.  This guy is someone to look up to in my books, he can go out for a night on the town with his wife or mates, watch them all get slam-dunked and not care in the least.  He even has fun doing it.  I want to be that person, will I ever be?  Im not sure I can ever really compare myself to him.  He doesnt know what its like to be tipsy or numbed, to have an overwhelming sense of anxiety to go out and buy a sixpack.  Maybe its as simple as me being the person I should be looking up to.  Which of course comes down to being comfortable in my own skin, accepting the good and the bad and loving myself no matter what.

I admit I am an alcoholic, I own that.  Reaching this point has been a long and hard road, and from what Ive seen, heard, read and know, its never going to get easier.  What happens if one day I decide that "Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I still want to drink"?  Is that when it's all over?  Or do you just start again?  Or had you really ever begun?  I'd like to think where I am now is the beginning of my recovery, and I sure as hell am going to work my arse off to stay on the proverbial wagon.  I want to be someone who is not chemically dependent, I want to take charge of my life and stop being lead like a mule.

Anyway, strong words for day 3.

The die has been cast

So there we are.  Last drink was on Saturday, of course having a wife who wants to leave you is a powerful motivator.  But then again if I am going to be completely honest with myself, the reason Im trying to stop is the same reason I started this blog.  It's the same reason I went to a therapist and finally its the same reason I told my wife.  I want to stop because _I_ feel its time.

The last few days have been hell, my wife comes from a rocky childhood and isnt emotionally capable of dealing with an alcoholic husband, let alone a husband who kept it from her for all these months. Her default response was to attack me with such venomous hatred that I found myself wondering if she were the same person.  It was as though a button had been pressed and all love she had for me was gone.

She and I are at the point now where we've agreed to give it one last go.  After words like divorce and separation have been freely used, she has now been very clear that if she ever finds that Ive touched alcohol again she will leave me.  There will be no discussion, no negotiation.  If I have to be completely honest with myself, during these last few days there was a part of me that actually wanted her to walk out the door.  I got the distinct impression that she would be happier and I would be forced to work through this by myself.  Obviously there is a side of me that wants her to stay, the side that loves her unconditionally.  But at what cost?  She doesnt understand the disease and seems unwilling to, this has been confirmed time and again during several of the sparring matches we've had.  Her contempt for those who suffer from alcohol addiction, or at the very least those closest to her, is palpable.  How is someone like this going to help someone like me come to terms with their addiction and still have a meaningful loving relationship?  How are we going to ever rebuild what I've helped to destroy.

Ah well, alea iacta est.

When the price is right...

Last night (Saturday) I decided to tell my wife I have been drinking.  Of course the first mistake with this is that I had redbull on my breath which immediately made her assume that was the alcohol - of course I had consumed alcohol earlier that day as well.  Getting a word in edgewise through-out the night was next to impossible.  The amount of vitriol that flowed from her was actually shocking, I really think Ive gone and done it this time.  Ive somehow managed to kill her love for me, with one sentence and months of drinking.  The trust is broken and in many ways her reaction is as though Ive cheated on her, and if I have to be honest with myself I have.  Ive been cheating with the booze. 

I believe I may have just cost myself my marriage.  Is this what rock bottom feels like?  Is this the price of sobriety?

Cancer of the mind

Why do you drink?  Thats an easy question to answer; because I can.  Why do you want to drink?  I dont know.  Most people can come home in the evening and are content watching television, studying, cooking, playing computer games or generally existing.  Me?  I cant do that.  I drink.  Some people say its because I want to be numb.  I can understand this default answer, who wouldnt want to be numb?  Im bored, Im repeating a pattern, Im addicted, Im lazy, Im sick.  I dont know, maybe its all of the above.  Maybe Im tired of life, or maybe I dont have anything worth living for.  Maybe its not as simple as that, I mean really:  "oh Im tired of life", what a cliche.  Maybe its the same driving motivation that sees me checking the door is locked every night, making sure I wash my hands, I urinate before bed, wake up, I buy myself a coffee, breakfast, go to the toilet,  sit down, check my mail, read the news, work my tickets,  go to the toilet, get coffee, have lunch, get coffee, work tickets, take calls, take tram home, make dinner, watch tv (or play minecraft :-)), shower, bed.  Rinse, repeat.

If this was your life, wouldnt you want to drink?  Hey, I'd be taking Xanax every day if it were over the counter, but I cant.  Atleast I can walk into spar and buy a sixpack though.

You dont have to be.

I am tired of being alright.

My Doctor tells me I need to get myself a sponsor.  My father tells me something similar.  Although he takes a different tact, not that I have a problem but more that I should speak to someone.  I have to ask though, why?  One of my personality flaws is the constant desire to please other people.  If I take a step back I ask myself, have I manifested this issue just because other people are telling me I have a problem?  People are are always telling me what to do, what to think and how to behave?  Obviously I know drinking alone is unhealthy, but when did this habit come about?  Oh yes, when I was told that I should stop drinking.  Why was I told to stop drinking?  Not because I drank more or less than my friends, but because other people _assumed_ I had a problem because of my history.  So yes, I do have a problem.  And now it manifests in the form of alcohol abuse.  Is the problem drink?  Perhaps, but thats just the side-effect of a greater problem.  I spend every day of my life trying to keep other people happy.  Even in my career, all I do is work hard, beat myself when I _perceive_ some flaw and try to impress.  Im a doormat, and this is beginning to eat me up.  I am unhealthy and addicted to alcohol because people tell me I am, because people tell me every day I Have A Problem.

Yes, I have a problem.  I dont live my own life.

One step back...

So I backslid again.  What a surprise.  Although Im starting to notice more triggers.  Hard day at the office, getting to go home early.  What do I do?  Pickup a sixer.  Now of course I have to moderate since the Librium will probably knock me for a six, but atleast Ive managed to make 7 days.  Next stop, two weeks perhaps?  Next week wont lend itself to this kind of thing (fortunately) and nor will the week after.  Atleast Ill be able to feed my addiction with Full Irish Breakfasts and not beer!

ZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz urge to sleep rising....

Feeling exhausted all the time is starting to get to me.  Its 10:41 UTC and Im struggling to stay awake.  This is after multiple cups of coffee.  I even resorted to having two chocolate cookies in the hopes that the sugar high would atleast give me a bit of a kick.  It didn't.  Atleast I finish the Librium next Thursday, at which point I can progress to the next phase of my "recovery".  Whatever that is.  I do know that it isn't going to involve a 12 step.  It's great for some people, but its not for everyone. 

On another note, yesterday I had a session with my therapist and we focused on my mommy issues.   Im not really sure what I hope to get out of it, but so far it seems to be doing something.  The very act of bouncing ideas off of an impartial party helps, and at the very least allows me get my thoughts in order.

Anyway, I still havent consumed any alcohol at home I must be doing something right.

I dont like what it does to me

So far so good, no relapse but still feel like Im running on no sleep.  It's either the Librium or its my sleep debt catching up to me after Friday's episode.   If I had to pass judgement I would say it (Librium) does seem to be effective, but not nearly as effective as I'd obviously like.  I still get the anxiety, but then again I am on a relatively low dose (10mg).  To deal with the anxiety I have a mantra: "Ive stopped drinking, I dont like what it does to me".  Surprisingly something so simple actually seems to help.  Perhaps its the suggestion, or just the simple act of distracting my mind from the fantasy of drinking.  Whatever it is, Im glad it works because Id probably have spent yesterday trashed.  

Hitching a ride on the benzo train

Act 1

Its been a while since my last post, and sadly sobriety is still noticeably absent.  3 litres of beer in an afternoon was the standard, and quite often I found myself pushing 4 to 5.  This is no bottle of vodka/day habit, but it definitely started to take its toll on my body.  Hiding my drinking from my wife is also beginning to wear me down.  Im sure on some subconscious level she knows, but Ive become rather adept at living the lie.  Insomnia is also the norm, both sleep-onset and terminal.  About a month ago all of this culminated in a major depressive episode.  Yes, this included thoughts of suicide.  I saw the warning signs months before, but chose to ignore them.  When the proverbial train finally hit, it hit hard.

Anyway, long story short I started seeing a therapist.  This should hopefully allow me to work through my unresolved childhood issues.  Apart from the shrink, I also decided it was time I speak to my family doctor.  Of course this posed a whole new set of obstacles.  Not only is he my doctor, but he's my wife's as well, and let us not overlook the fact that any "condition" I may have would go down on my permanent record.  Anyway, after a brief chat about confidentiality and him assuring me I can sue his pants off if my wife hears anything from him or his practice, I unloaded.  I basically dumped the last year of my life on his lap, which took him a bit by surprise.  He believes I am clinically depressed and am self medicating.  He then did a full set of blood tests, prescribed 7 days of xanax, stilnoct (ambien), and told me to get some rest.  Which I did.  Sort of. 

Act 2

Xanax?  Dont get me started on Xanax.  Wow.  I can see how people can get addicted to benzos, and boy did I enjoy floating through that week of sobriety.  Actually, it was less than a week, it was 4 days.  Yes, I only stayed sober for 4 whole days.  I saw the doc on a Monday and started drinking again on Friday.  And gosh, drinking on Xanax was a whole new experience for me.  Fortunately I was conscious of the fact that anything that suppresses your central nervous system probably shouldnt be mixed with alcohol...  Har har har.  What does this mean to a drunk?  It just means it takes less to get you there.  Screw the other potential side-effects, those were the last things on my mind.  And you know, I didnt stop there.  I decided that I'd continue drinking until two days before my next appointment.  Why two days?  Just in case he decided to do a urine test - ahhh, the deceitful alcoholic.  It was the perfect plan, my therapy was scheduled for a Wednesday, so I decided to make the doctor's appointment for Thursday.  What could go wrong?  I wouldnt drink on the day of my therapy, and would be clean when going to the doc.  Yeh right, I spent the whole week leading up to the appointment drunk.  I even smashed back 6 pints after my therapy session.  Whoops.

I know what you're thinking, "he was right about the urine test!".  Well you're wrong.  He did no such thing.  Instead when he asked if I had drunk anything I actually told him a small "truth".  I told him I had consumed alcohol the day before, but only four pints.  It's funny how easy it is to lie when you've been doing it for so long.  Of course being a doctor I assume he didnt take me at face value.  The rest of the appointment went fairly well, he put me on Librium and ran through my bloods.  Apparently Im as strong as a bull.  He was especially surprised at how healthy my liver was. My kidneys, vitamin b, calcium and cholesterol were also great.  Clearly there's something to be said for sticking to beer!

Act 3

Exit medical centre with prescription and clear instructions from doc: "Dont drink alcohol when on Librium".  So what did I do?  I decide to put off taking it until the next day.   You know, just so I could have one last good-bye.  Stroll to the shops, buy 6 pints, quickly smash them back at home, thought "fuck it" and bought another two.  Slept fitfully that night - remorse etc - woke up, went to the chemist and bought my "savior".  Librium was going to stop me from drinking.  Somehow 10mg twice/day is supposed to ease the cravings, supposed to help you sleep better at night, and supposed to help a person who wants to stop drinking, stop.

Friday, 08 June 2012 (Librium, Day 1)
Marvelous, I take the Librium and of course being the weak benzo it is I dont get the same buzz as Xanax.  I expected this of course as I had done my homework. 

Saturday 09 June 2012 (Librium, Day 2)
09:30 I wake up fairly rested, although I do feel a bit tired.  I attribute this to the late night I had watching movies and generally the rough month Ive had. 
10:00 I take my morning dose and go have breakfast with my beautiful wife.  I actually do feel the effects of the Librium now.  Its almost like a drunkish feeling, although not as clearly defined.  Im happy because Im finally doing something to get my life in order.
15:00 Still feeling good, but tired. 
17:00 I know my wife is going out with friends tonight.  What's my trigger?  Being home alone.  Anxiety starts to build.  Im going to try be strong.
18:50 Wife leaves and I start frantically googling the affects of drinking alcohol while on Librium.  I decide that because I took my dose at 10am it should be A-OK.  Stroll down to the shops, pickup a sixpack of Heineken aaaaaaaand start all over again.  Of course being a responsible drunk I decide I wont take my 22:00 dose.  
22:20 Right, its time for bed.  I have to be up at 5am.  Im still slightly drunk from the beer, but you know its more of a tipsy feeling.  Im basically coming down.  I decide that in order to get a good night's rest Ill take one of the ambien I have hidden away.  Pop it, and hop into bed.
22:30 Hrmm, I feel fine, I may as well take my Librium.
Fall asleep....

Sunday 10 June 2012 (Librium, Day 3)
01:55 Fuck, Im awake.  I also feel drunker than when I went to bed.  Undoubtedly the Librium reacting with the remnants of the alcohol and ambien.  Should be able to fall asleep again.
02:30 Still awake.  Annoyed with myself.
03:00 Still awake.  I regret drinking.  Why the fuck did I drink yesterday.  Why couldnt I fight it?  Maybe I should tell her about my problem.
03:30 Still awake.  I hate my life, I hate work and I hate who I have become.  I hate lying to my wife.
04:00 Still awake.  Wife awake now too and aware I am struggling to sleep.  She's used to it.  My mind is racing.
04:30 I have to get up in 30 minutes, I accept that sleep is not a reality and wait for the alarm to go off.  I finally resolve not to tell my wife.
05:00 Alarm goes off, get out of bed.  Shower.  Feel "ok" considering my lack of sleep.  I just feel tired and old.  Begin my same mundane routine.


So began my third day of Librium.  The fight to salvage my sanity continues.  It's just gone past 10:00, time for my dose….

the rest of your life...

Yay, one whole day being sober. Baby steps right?

Although in all honesty I do have some motivation. Ive developed quite a serious case of hypochondria these last few days. Every little ache or pain is suddenly a symptom of acute renal failure or liver disease. Logically I know ol' Occam is probably up to his tricks again, but there's the other side that starts reading up online for all the signs and symptoms to watch for. Oh well, a little motivation never hurt anyone... The risk of dying is a pretty good motivator, or at the very least spending a large chunk of the next few years going for dialysis.

Day 0

Hi, Im Medraut and Im an alcoholic.  Ive been sober for....Hrmm, well I havent been sober for a while.  This blog is really for me to track my progress towards finding sobriety.  I decided early one morning while lying in bed that the best way for me to find my way back is probably to write about it. 

Alcoholism has been running in my family for generations, and I say "running" because I do subscribe to the theory that you never really do stop being an alcoholic.  I dont however believe it's a disease that can be cured.  In my opinion to call it a disease allows you to distance yourself from the problem and to shift blame onto something else.  I am who I am, and at the moment I am someone who drinks.  I hope tomorrow will be the first day I can say "Hi, Im Medraut and Im an alcoholic.  Ive been sober for one day."