The sun rose this morning

As mentioned in my previous post these last few days have been a roller coaster ride from hell.  Ive spent most of the time feeling as though Ive destroyed my marriage, nevermind dealing with the fact that Im actually never going to drink alcohol again.  Fortunately for me I havent lost my marriage, and my wife has even started to become sympathetic and is willing to help me work through this difficult time.  She know's what she's signed up for, and God knows Ive given her enough opportunity to eject. For her willingness to stick it out, I am eternally grateful.

Coming to terms with something as far-reaching as being an alcoholic is difficult in a society where drinking is almost the national past-time.  Where do people go to socialize?  The pub.  Being a stranger in a strange land Ive found it difficult to expand my social circle, and drinking allowed me to do this. Of course it was a less than fulfilling existence and the people I surrounded myself would be the equivalent of fair-weather friends, so its not only arguable but totally logical to see this is no great loss.  With all of that said, where to from here?

I know a grand total of one person who tee-totals.  He does it not out of any medical reasons (physical/psychological), but purely because he doesnt see the need to buzz himself.  He has no desire to and never has.  This guy is someone to look up to in my books, he can go out for a night on the town with his wife or mates, watch them all get slam-dunked and not care in the least.  He even has fun doing it.  I want to be that person, will I ever be?  Im not sure I can ever really compare myself to him.  He doesnt know what its like to be tipsy or numbed, to have an overwhelming sense of anxiety to go out and buy a sixpack.  Maybe its as simple as me being the person I should be looking up to.  Which of course comes down to being comfortable in my own skin, accepting the good and the bad and loving myself no matter what.

I admit I am an alcoholic, I own that.  Reaching this point has been a long and hard road, and from what Ive seen, heard, read and know, its never going to get easier.  What happens if one day I decide that "Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I still want to drink"?  Is that when it's all over?  Or do you just start again?  Or had you really ever begun?  I'd like to think where I am now is the beginning of my recovery, and I sure as hell am going to work my arse off to stay on the proverbial wagon.  I want to be someone who is not chemically dependent, I want to take charge of my life and stop being lead like a mule.

Anyway, strong words for day 3.