The sun rose this morning

As mentioned in my previous post these last few days have been a roller coaster ride from hell.  Ive spent most of the time feeling as though Ive destroyed my marriage, nevermind dealing with the fact that Im actually never going to drink alcohol again.  Fortunately for me I havent lost my marriage, and my wife has even started to become sympathetic and is willing to help me work through this difficult time.  She know's what she's signed up for, and God knows Ive given her enough opportunity to eject. For her willingness to stick it out, I am eternally grateful.

Coming to terms with something as far-reaching as being an alcoholic is difficult in a society where drinking is almost the national past-time.  Where do people go to socialize?  The pub.  Being a stranger in a strange land Ive found it difficult to expand my social circle, and drinking allowed me to do this. Of course it was a less than fulfilling existence and the people I surrounded myself would be the equivalent of fair-weather friends, so its not only arguable but totally logical to see this is no great loss.  With all of that said, where to from here?

I know a grand total of one person who tee-totals.  He does it not out of any medical reasons (physical/psychological), but purely because he doesnt see the need to buzz himself.  He has no desire to and never has.  This guy is someone to look up to in my books, he can go out for a night on the town with his wife or mates, watch them all get slam-dunked and not care in the least.  He even has fun doing it.  I want to be that person, will I ever be?  Im not sure I can ever really compare myself to him.  He doesnt know what its like to be tipsy or numbed, to have an overwhelming sense of anxiety to go out and buy a sixpack.  Maybe its as simple as me being the person I should be looking up to.  Which of course comes down to being comfortable in my own skin, accepting the good and the bad and loving myself no matter what.

I admit I am an alcoholic, I own that.  Reaching this point has been a long and hard road, and from what Ive seen, heard, read and know, its never going to get easier.  What happens if one day I decide that "Yes, I am an alcoholic, but I still want to drink"?  Is that when it's all over?  Or do you just start again?  Or had you really ever begun?  I'd like to think where I am now is the beginning of my recovery, and I sure as hell am going to work my arse off to stay on the proverbial wagon.  I want to be someone who is not chemically dependent, I want to take charge of my life and stop being lead like a mule.

Anyway, strong words for day 3.

The die has been cast

So there we are.  Last drink was on Saturday, of course having a wife who wants to leave you is a powerful motivator.  But then again if I am going to be completely honest with myself, the reason Im trying to stop is the same reason I started this blog.  It's the same reason I went to a therapist and finally its the same reason I told my wife.  I want to stop because _I_ feel its time.

The last few days have been hell, my wife comes from a rocky childhood and isnt emotionally capable of dealing with an alcoholic husband, let alone a husband who kept it from her for all these months. Her default response was to attack me with such venomous hatred that I found myself wondering if she were the same person.  It was as though a button had been pressed and all love she had for me was gone.

She and I are at the point now where we've agreed to give it one last go.  After words like divorce and separation have been freely used, she has now been very clear that if she ever finds that Ive touched alcohol again she will leave me.  There will be no discussion, no negotiation.  If I have to be completely honest with myself, during these last few days there was a part of me that actually wanted her to walk out the door.  I got the distinct impression that she would be happier and I would be forced to work through this by myself.  Obviously there is a side of me that wants her to stay, the side that loves her unconditionally.  But at what cost?  She doesnt understand the disease and seems unwilling to, this has been confirmed time and again during several of the sparring matches we've had.  Her contempt for those who suffer from alcohol addiction, or at the very least those closest to her, is palpable.  How is someone like this going to help someone like me come to terms with their addiction and still have a meaningful loving relationship?  How are we going to ever rebuild what I've helped to destroy.

Ah well, alea iacta est.

When the price is right...

Last night (Saturday) I decided to tell my wife I have been drinking.  Of course the first mistake with this is that I had redbull on my breath which immediately made her assume that was the alcohol - of course I had consumed alcohol earlier that day as well.  Getting a word in edgewise through-out the night was next to impossible.  The amount of vitriol that flowed from her was actually shocking, I really think Ive gone and done it this time.  Ive somehow managed to kill her love for me, with one sentence and months of drinking.  The trust is broken and in many ways her reaction is as though Ive cheated on her, and if I have to be honest with myself I have.  Ive been cheating with the booze. 

I believe I may have just cost myself my marriage.  Is this what rock bottom feels like?  Is this the price of sobriety?

Cancer of the mind

Why do you drink?  Thats an easy question to answer; because I can.  Why do you want to drink?  I dont know.  Most people can come home in the evening and are content watching television, studying, cooking, playing computer games or generally existing.  Me?  I cant do that.  I drink.  Some people say its because I want to be numb.  I can understand this default answer, who wouldnt want to be numb?  Im bored, Im repeating a pattern, Im addicted, Im lazy, Im sick.  I dont know, maybe its all of the above.  Maybe Im tired of life, or maybe I dont have anything worth living for.  Maybe its not as simple as that, I mean really:  "oh Im tired of life", what a cliche.  Maybe its the same driving motivation that sees me checking the door is locked every night, making sure I wash my hands, I urinate before bed, wake up, I buy myself a coffee, breakfast, go to the toilet,  sit down, check my mail, read the news, work my tickets,  go to the toilet, get coffee, have lunch, get coffee, work tickets, take calls, take tram home, make dinner, watch tv (or play minecraft :-)), shower, bed.  Rinse, repeat.

If this was your life, wouldnt you want to drink?  Hey, I'd be taking Xanax every day if it were over the counter, but I cant.  Atleast I can walk into spar and buy a sixpack though.

ZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz urge to sleep rising....

Feeling exhausted all the time is starting to get to me.  Its 10:41 UTC and Im struggling to stay awake.  This is after multiple cups of coffee.  I even resorted to having two chocolate cookies in the hopes that the sugar high would atleast give me a bit of a kick.  It didn't.  Atleast I finish the Librium next Thursday, at which point I can progress to the next phase of my "recovery".  Whatever that is.  I do know that it isn't going to involve a 12 step.  It's great for some people, but its not for everyone. 

On another note, yesterday I had a session with my therapist and we focused on my mommy issues.   Im not really sure what I hope to get out of it, but so far it seems to be doing something.  The very act of bouncing ideas off of an impartial party helps, and at the very least allows me get my thoughts in order.

Anyway, I still havent consumed any alcohol at home I must be doing something right.

I dont like what it does to me

So far so good, no relapse but still feel like Im running on no sleep.  It's either the Librium or its my sleep debt catching up to me after Friday's episode.   If I had to pass judgement I would say it (Librium) does seem to be effective, but not nearly as effective as I'd obviously like.  I still get the anxiety, but then again I am on a relatively low dose (10mg).  To deal with the anxiety I have a mantra: "Ive stopped drinking, I dont like what it does to me".  Surprisingly something so simple actually seems to help.  Perhaps its the suggestion, or just the simple act of distracting my mind from the fantasy of drinking.  Whatever it is, Im glad it works because Id probably have spent yesterday trashed.