The die has been cast

So there we are.  Last drink was on Saturday, of course having a wife who wants to leave you is a powerful motivator.  But then again if I am going to be completely honest with myself, the reason Im trying to stop is the same reason I started this blog.  It's the same reason I went to a therapist and finally its the same reason I told my wife.  I want to stop because _I_ feel its time.

The last few days have been hell, my wife comes from a rocky childhood and isnt emotionally capable of dealing with an alcoholic husband, let alone a husband who kept it from her for all these months. Her default response was to attack me with such venomous hatred that I found myself wondering if she were the same person.  It was as though a button had been pressed and all love she had for me was gone.

She and I are at the point now where we've agreed to give it one last go.  After words like divorce and separation have been freely used, she has now been very clear that if she ever finds that Ive touched alcohol again she will leave me.  There will be no discussion, no negotiation.  If I have to be completely honest with myself, during these last few days there was a part of me that actually wanted her to walk out the door.  I got the distinct impression that she would be happier and I would be forced to work through this by myself.  Obviously there is a side of me that wants her to stay, the side that loves her unconditionally.  But at what cost?  She doesnt understand the disease and seems unwilling to, this has been confirmed time and again during several of the sparring matches we've had.  Her contempt for those who suffer from alcohol addiction, or at the very least those closest to her, is palpable.  How is someone like this going to help someone like me come to terms with their addiction and still have a meaningful loving relationship?  How are we going to ever rebuild what I've helped to destroy.

Ah well, alea iacta est.

When the price is right...

Last night (Saturday) I decided to tell my wife I have been drinking.  Of course the first mistake with this is that I had redbull on my breath which immediately made her assume that was the alcohol - of course I had consumed alcohol earlier that day as well.  Getting a word in edgewise through-out the night was next to impossible.  The amount of vitriol that flowed from her was actually shocking, I really think Ive gone and done it this time.  Ive somehow managed to kill her love for me, with one sentence and months of drinking.  The trust is broken and in many ways her reaction is as though Ive cheated on her, and if I have to be honest with myself I have.  Ive been cheating with the booze. 

I believe I may have just cost myself my marriage.  Is this what rock bottom feels like?  Is this the price of sobriety?