The die has been cast

So there we are.  Last drink was on Saturday, of course having a wife who wants to leave you is a powerful motivator.  But then again if I am going to be completely honest with myself, the reason Im trying to stop is the same reason I started this blog.  It's the same reason I went to a therapist and finally its the same reason I told my wife.  I want to stop because _I_ feel its time.

The last few days have been hell, my wife comes from a rocky childhood and isnt emotionally capable of dealing with an alcoholic husband, let alone a husband who kept it from her for all these months. Her default response was to attack me with such venomous hatred that I found myself wondering if she were the same person.  It was as though a button had been pressed and all love she had for me was gone.

She and I are at the point now where we've agreed to give it one last go.  After words like divorce and separation have been freely used, she has now been very clear that if she ever finds that Ive touched alcohol again she will leave me.  There will be no discussion, no negotiation.  If I have to be completely honest with myself, during these last few days there was a part of me that actually wanted her to walk out the door.  I got the distinct impression that she would be happier and I would be forced to work through this by myself.  Obviously there is a side of me that wants her to stay, the side that loves her unconditionally.  But at what cost?  She doesnt understand the disease and seems unwilling to, this has been confirmed time and again during several of the sparring matches we've had.  Her contempt for those who suffer from alcohol addiction, or at the very least those closest to her, is palpable.  How is someone like this going to help someone like me come to terms with their addiction and still have a meaningful loving relationship?  How are we going to ever rebuild what I've helped to destroy.

Ah well, alea iacta est.

When the price is right...

Last night (Saturday) I decided to tell my wife I have been drinking.  Of course the first mistake with this is that I had redbull on my breath which immediately made her assume that was the alcohol - of course I had consumed alcohol earlier that day as well.  Getting a word in edgewise through-out the night was next to impossible.  The amount of vitriol that flowed from her was actually shocking, I really think Ive gone and done it this time.  Ive somehow managed to kill her love for me, with one sentence and months of drinking.  The trust is broken and in many ways her reaction is as though Ive cheated on her, and if I have to be honest with myself I have.  Ive been cheating with the booze. 

I believe I may have just cost myself my marriage.  Is this what rock bottom feels like?  Is this the price of sobriety?

You dont have to be.

I am tired of being alright.

My Doctor tells me I need to get myself a sponsor.  My father tells me something similar.  Although he takes a different tact, not that I have a problem but more that I should speak to someone.  I have to ask though, why?  One of my personality flaws is the constant desire to please other people.  If I take a step back I ask myself, have I manifested this issue just because other people are telling me I have a problem?  People are are always telling me what to do, what to think and how to behave?  Obviously I know drinking alone is unhealthy, but when did this habit come about?  Oh yes, when I was told that I should stop drinking.  Why was I told to stop drinking?  Not because I drank more or less than my friends, but because other people _assumed_ I had a problem because of my history.  So yes, I do have a problem.  And now it manifests in the form of alcohol abuse.  Is the problem drink?  Perhaps, but thats just the side-effect of a greater problem.  I spend every day of my life trying to keep other people happy.  Even in my career, all I do is work hard, beat myself when I _perceive_ some flaw and try to impress.  Im a doormat, and this is beginning to eat me up.  I am unhealthy and addicted to alcohol because people tell me I am, because people tell me every day I Have A Problem.

Yes, I have a problem.  I dont live my own life.

ZzzzzzzzZZZZZzzzzzzzz urge to sleep rising....

Feeling exhausted all the time is starting to get to me.  Its 10:41 UTC and Im struggling to stay awake.  This is after multiple cups of coffee.  I even resorted to having two chocolate cookies in the hopes that the sugar high would atleast give me a bit of a kick.  It didn't.  Atleast I finish the Librium next Thursday, at which point I can progress to the next phase of my "recovery".  Whatever that is.  I do know that it isn't going to involve a 12 step.  It's great for some people, but its not for everyone. 

On another note, yesterday I had a session with my therapist and we focused on my mommy issues.   Im not really sure what I hope to get out of it, but so far it seems to be doing something.  The very act of bouncing ideas off of an impartial party helps, and at the very least allows me get my thoughts in order.

Anyway, I still havent consumed any alcohol at home I must be doing something right.

I dont like what it does to me

So far so good, no relapse but still feel like Im running on no sleep.  It's either the Librium or its my sleep debt catching up to me after Friday's episode.   If I had to pass judgement I would say it (Librium) does seem to be effective, but not nearly as effective as I'd obviously like.  I still get the anxiety, but then again I am on a relatively low dose (10mg).  To deal with the anxiety I have a mantra: "Ive stopped drinking, I dont like what it does to me".  Surprisingly something so simple actually seems to help.  Perhaps its the suggestion, or just the simple act of distracting my mind from the fantasy of drinking.  Whatever it is, Im glad it works because Id probably have spent yesterday trashed.  

Hitching a ride on the benzo train

Act 1

Its been a while since my last post, and sadly sobriety is still noticeably absent.  3 litres of beer in an afternoon was the standard, and quite often I found myself pushing 4 to 5.  This is no bottle of vodka/day habit, but it definitely started to take its toll on my body.  Hiding my drinking from my wife is also beginning to wear me down.  Im sure on some subconscious level she knows, but Ive become rather adept at living the lie.  Insomnia is also the norm, both sleep-onset and terminal.  About a month ago all of this culminated in a major depressive episode.  Yes, this included thoughts of suicide.  I saw the warning signs months before, but chose to ignore them.  When the proverbial train finally hit, it hit hard.

Anyway, long story short I started seeing a therapist.  This should hopefully allow me to work through my unresolved childhood issues.  Apart from the shrink, I also decided it was time I speak to my family doctor.  Of course this posed a whole new set of obstacles.  Not only is he my doctor, but he's my wife's as well, and let us not overlook the fact that any "condition" I may have would go down on my permanent record.  Anyway, after a brief chat about confidentiality and him assuring me I can sue his pants off if my wife hears anything from him or his practice, I unloaded.  I basically dumped the last year of my life on his lap, which took him a bit by surprise.  He believes I am clinically depressed and am self medicating.  He then did a full set of blood tests, prescribed 7 days of xanax, stilnoct (ambien), and told me to get some rest.  Which I did.  Sort of. 

Act 2

Xanax?  Dont get me started on Xanax.  Wow.  I can see how people can get addicted to benzos, and boy did I enjoy floating through that week of sobriety.  Actually, it was less than a week, it was 4 days.  Yes, I only stayed sober for 4 whole days.  I saw the doc on a Monday and started drinking again on Friday.  And gosh, drinking on Xanax was a whole new experience for me.  Fortunately I was conscious of the fact that anything that suppresses your central nervous system probably shouldnt be mixed with alcohol...  Har har har.  What does this mean to a drunk?  It just means it takes less to get you there.  Screw the other potential side-effects, those were the last things on my mind.  And you know, I didnt stop there.  I decided that I'd continue drinking until two days before my next appointment.  Why two days?  Just in case he decided to do a urine test - ahhh, the deceitful alcoholic.  It was the perfect plan, my therapy was scheduled for a Wednesday, so I decided to make the doctor's appointment for Thursday.  What could go wrong?  I wouldnt drink on the day of my therapy, and would be clean when going to the doc.  Yeh right, I spent the whole week leading up to the appointment drunk.  I even smashed back 6 pints after my therapy session.  Whoops.

I know what you're thinking, "he was right about the urine test!".  Well you're wrong.  He did no such thing.  Instead when he asked if I had drunk anything I actually told him a small "truth".  I told him I had consumed alcohol the day before, but only four pints.  It's funny how easy it is to lie when you've been doing it for so long.  Of course being a doctor I assume he didnt take me at face value.  The rest of the appointment went fairly well, he put me on Librium and ran through my bloods.  Apparently Im as strong as a bull.  He was especially surprised at how healthy my liver was. My kidneys, vitamin b, calcium and cholesterol were also great.  Clearly there's something to be said for sticking to beer!

Act 3

Exit medical centre with prescription and clear instructions from doc: "Dont drink alcohol when on Librium".  So what did I do?  I decide to put off taking it until the next day.   You know, just so I could have one last good-bye.  Stroll to the shops, buy 6 pints, quickly smash them back at home, thought "fuck it" and bought another two.  Slept fitfully that night - remorse etc - woke up, went to the chemist and bought my "savior".  Librium was going to stop me from drinking.  Somehow 10mg twice/day is supposed to ease the cravings, supposed to help you sleep better at night, and supposed to help a person who wants to stop drinking, stop.

Friday, 08 June 2012 (Librium, Day 1)
Marvelous, I take the Librium and of course being the weak benzo it is I dont get the same buzz as Xanax.  I expected this of course as I had done my homework. 

Saturday 09 June 2012 (Librium, Day 2)
09:30 I wake up fairly rested, although I do feel a bit tired.  I attribute this to the late night I had watching movies and generally the rough month Ive had. 
10:00 I take my morning dose and go have breakfast with my beautiful wife.  I actually do feel the effects of the Librium now.  Its almost like a drunkish feeling, although not as clearly defined.  Im happy because Im finally doing something to get my life in order.
15:00 Still feeling good, but tired. 
17:00 I know my wife is going out with friends tonight.  What's my trigger?  Being home alone.  Anxiety starts to build.  Im going to try be strong.
18:50 Wife leaves and I start frantically googling the affects of drinking alcohol while on Librium.  I decide that because I took my dose at 10am it should be A-OK.  Stroll down to the shops, pickup a sixpack of Heineken aaaaaaaand start all over again.  Of course being a responsible drunk I decide I wont take my 22:00 dose.  
22:20 Right, its time for bed.  I have to be up at 5am.  Im still slightly drunk from the beer, but you know its more of a tipsy feeling.  Im basically coming down.  I decide that in order to get a good night's rest Ill take one of the ambien I have hidden away.  Pop it, and hop into bed.
22:30 Hrmm, I feel fine, I may as well take my Librium.
Fall asleep....

Sunday 10 June 2012 (Librium, Day 3)
01:55 Fuck, Im awake.  I also feel drunker than when I went to bed.  Undoubtedly the Librium reacting with the remnants of the alcohol and ambien.  Should be able to fall asleep again.
02:30 Still awake.  Annoyed with myself.
03:00 Still awake.  I regret drinking.  Why the fuck did I drink yesterday.  Why couldnt I fight it?  Maybe I should tell her about my problem.
03:30 Still awake.  I hate my life, I hate work and I hate who I have become.  I hate lying to my wife.
04:00 Still awake.  Wife awake now too and aware I am struggling to sleep.  She's used to it.  My mind is racing.
04:30 I have to get up in 30 minutes, I accept that sleep is not a reality and wait for the alarm to go off.  I finally resolve not to tell my wife.
05:00 Alarm goes off, get out of bed.  Shower.  Feel "ok" considering my lack of sleep.  I just feel tired and old.  Begin my same mundane routine.


So began my third day of Librium.  The fight to salvage my sanity continues.  It's just gone past 10:00, time for my dose….

the rest of your life...

Yay, one whole day being sober. Baby steps right?

Although in all honesty I do have some motivation. Ive developed quite a serious case of hypochondria these last few days. Every little ache or pain is suddenly a symptom of acute renal failure or liver disease. Logically I know ol' Occam is probably up to his tricks again, but there's the other side that starts reading up online for all the signs and symptoms to watch for. Oh well, a little motivation never hurt anyone... The risk of dying is a pretty good motivator, or at the very least spending a large chunk of the next few years going for dialysis.