When the price is right...

Last night (Saturday) I decided to tell my wife I have been drinking.  Of course the first mistake with this is that I had redbull on my breath which immediately made her assume that was the alcohol - of course I had consumed alcohol earlier that day as well.  Getting a word in edgewise through-out the night was next to impossible.  The amount of vitriol that flowed from her was actually shocking, I really think Ive gone and done it this time.  Ive somehow managed to kill her love for me, with one sentence and months of drinking.  The trust is broken and in many ways her reaction is as though Ive cheated on her, and if I have to be honest with myself I have.  Ive been cheating with the booze. 

I believe I may have just cost myself my marriage.  Is this what rock bottom feels like?  Is this the price of sobriety?

You dont have to be.

I am tired of being alright.

My Doctor tells me I need to get myself a sponsor.  My father tells me something similar.  Although he takes a different tact, not that I have a problem but more that I should speak to someone.  I have to ask though, why?  One of my personality flaws is the constant desire to please other people.  If I take a step back I ask myself, have I manifested this issue just because other people are telling me I have a problem?  People are are always telling me what to do, what to think and how to behave?  Obviously I know drinking alone is unhealthy, but when did this habit come about?  Oh yes, when I was told that I should stop drinking.  Why was I told to stop drinking?  Not because I drank more or less than my friends, but because other people _assumed_ I had a problem because of my history.  So yes, I do have a problem.  And now it manifests in the form of alcohol abuse.  Is the problem drink?  Perhaps, but thats just the side-effect of a greater problem.  I spend every day of my life trying to keep other people happy.  Even in my career, all I do is work hard, beat myself when I _perceive_ some flaw and try to impress.  Im a doormat, and this is beginning to eat me up.  I am unhealthy and addicted to alcohol because people tell me I am, because people tell me every day I Have A Problem.

Yes, I have a problem.  I dont live my own life.

One step back...

So I backslid again.  What a surprise.  Although Im starting to notice more triggers.  Hard day at the office, getting to go home early.  What do I do?  Pickup a sixer.  Now of course I have to moderate since the Librium will probably knock me for a six, but atleast Ive managed to make 7 days.  Next stop, two weeks perhaps?  Next week wont lend itself to this kind of thing (fortunately) and nor will the week after.  Atleast Ill be able to feed my addiction with Full Irish Breakfasts and not beer!